Chapter 11: Regretting Everything

Jazz did not get booze amnesia.

What the hell was he thinking?! He couldn't leave the house after that. Certainly not to the dig site. Never to Vesta's farm. To hell with going back to the bar. No, absolutely not, he was going to stay in his home. Forever, actually. Lajos can have the farmland, he could build all the bird sheds and buy all the chickens he wanted: Jazz was Done.

Nothing was going to make him recover from that. Drunk kissing someone in the bar is one thing - Griffin was probably used to that. Drunk kissing another man at a bar in the middle of nowhere probably didn't happen so often. In fact, given how his luck usually went, almost certainly never. Not that he was particularly afraid of retribution from the townsfolk; he would be quite the household name for a time, and then he could go back to farming potatoes in peace.

If he was lucky, Carter wouldn't remember it. But then he remembered Flora was one of the witnesses... well, Jazz thought, best to not think about killing the witnesses.

Someone knocked at the door, instinctually trying the doorknob then groaning when it turned out to be locked. Lajos' face pressed against the window next to the door, pointing at it, begging to be let into Jazz's life. Jazz shook his head, closing the curtains in his face. More faces appeared in the window, blurred by the thin white curtain. He figured they'd all be hounding him with questions. He wasn't about to fucking answer them. He opened his laptop for the first time since he moved to the valley; it whirred to life, his custom wallpaper uneventfully fading into existence on the screen. The web browser opened automatically, dispensing, thankfully, a quiet - and still neglected - news feed.

A hand touched his shoulder, and he yelped, smacking the hand away and falling onto the floor. "How the hell did you get in!?"

His mother patted her hand against her cloak, quietly sitting on the other chair at the table. "I allowed myself in; witches can do that."

"So I'm sure you heard..." Jazz mumbled, closing his laptop and burying his face again. His hair fanned out around him, turning his head into an amorphous shadowy blob.

"Oh, your aunt won't shut up about it." She said dryly, producing two travel mugs from her cloak. "Tea?"

"...please." He sighed, holding his hand out as she slid the mug closer to him. He picked his head up, sipping slowly. The brew was still quite fresh, burning his tongue but filling the rest of his body with a comforting warmth. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Come on. For sloppy kissing another man in front of everybody. For drinking even though my medicine tanks my tolerance... for just wanting to give up."

"Jazzebel." she touched his hand, and tears welled up in his eyes.

He couldn't speak; it felt like he had a knife in his throat. He couldn't say it. He didn't know how to say it.

His mind was like static; white noise filling his conscience as everything he felt grew louder.

I'm selfish! I should fall apart at the seams for forcing myself on someone else like that! I love him! Why can't he just figure out we were meant to be?! He hasn't expressed interest in men in general, let alone you... so why try?

His shoulders quaked, his mother touching his hand gently. "Jazzebel?"

"I... I..." He sighed, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm... i think I like him. A lot. A lot a lot."

"And how does he feel about you?"

"Before, h-he saw me as a friend, but now... now, I don't know. He probably hates me... I probably ended up kissing him right in front of his girlfriend, knowing my luck."

She smiled, "Well... will it help if I tell you Carter and Flora aren't together?"

"Not really... she looked pretty upset by me just. kissing him like that. She looked... oh, no..." He started crying again, "She looked like Lajos did when Marlin told him to slow down. Like someone had punched her grandma, or set fire to her dishwasher, or..."

"Jazzebel."

"I can't help it, mom. I... I really messed up. I can't show my face; he's just gonna think about how I... I made him kiss me."

She paused. "Did you make him, though?"

"Yes! We were both drunk, and I pulled him close to me and I--"

"He's a brown belt. Drunk or no, if he was even a little bit unsure..."

"I shouldn't have done it!" He slammed his fist against the table. "I'm a horrible person!"

"Were you thinking straight? Were you sober?!" Her voice rose to match his. "Jazzebel, please, if you're this concerned about how he thinks, open that door! Tell him to his face you think he hates you."

He kept his mouth shut, his mother sighing and gently patting his head.

"I'm not trying to be difficult on purpose, mom."

"I know. Do you want me to unlock the door?"

He paused, "...yeah." He mumbled after a minute. She unlocked the door, walking out into the sunshine as she whistled. Lajos bolted into the house, giving Jazz a tight hug.

"You're okay! we--I've been worried all day." Lajos sighed in relief. "I took care of the farm today, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Thanks... um, have you heard from the others...?"

Lajos shook his head, "Nobody's saying anything about it, anyway. C'mon, let's get you some sunshine."

He lifted Jazz up by a couple inches, dragging him out of the front door and onto the grass; putting him down as he shuffled to sit upright.

"Oh no, you're gonna stand up. We have somewhere to go." Lajos pulled him to his feet, gripping his wrist as they walked down the hill.

"No, no, we are not going back to the dig site!" Jazz ripped his hand from Lajos' grip. "I can't go back!"

"What if I told you Carter wanted to see you?"

"I still wouldn't wanna do it!" he yowled, glaring at Lajos. "He's just gonna tell me that he hates me. Or to... leave him alone forever. Or something like that."

Lajos grabbed his hand again, tugging on his arm and glaring at Jazz. "You're coming along with me whether you like it or not!"

Jazz's breathing was short and quick as he tugged back just as hard, knocking Lajos over as he bolted. Lajos scrambled to his feet, yelling as Jazz quickly left his line of sight.

Quickly, he found himself on the beach, kneeling in the frigid saltwater. He wasn't sure what compelled him to stop; he desperately wanted to keep running, swimming as far away as he could. He stood, taking tentative steps deeper into the drink...

Only for a hand to grab him, pulling him back onto the sand. He fell onto his back; shoulders sagging. Takakura knelt over him, looking worried.

"Go away." Jazz mumbled, covering his face and trying to roll over.

"I'm not gonna let you swim away like that." Takakura said plainly, sitting next to him. "What happened?"

"I don't wanna talk about it. Just... leave me alone."

Takakura shook his head, sitting on the sand next to him.


<< PREV CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER >>

read me elsewhere: ao3 ☆ ffn ☆ dA